tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
