i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
