what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
