Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
