fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
