Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
