God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize