Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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