It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
