it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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