I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
