mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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