he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She told me I should be a condom model.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
