My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
