I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
