Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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