how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
