also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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