your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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