Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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