I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vagina is officially offended.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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