im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
