My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
