So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
