So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
