listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
