I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
