In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
