The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
