I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
