I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize