I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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