dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
