Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
