I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
