Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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