Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
