You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
