you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
