he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
