Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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