Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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