i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
