I feel like abortions should bother me more
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
