I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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