Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
