i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
