I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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