I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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