I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
