i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
