Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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