we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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