I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
