Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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