Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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