they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
