We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
